Within the first moments of 2018 I entered my apartment in Omaha to find that I had left all of my candles burning. My house was filled with the Volcano scent from Anthropologie. The paper-thin walls of my apartment complex were moments from being incinerated. At least, this is what I told myself. A forever martyr. The first days of 2018 I was a month out of my grad school fiasco of 2017, still taking calls from Pepperdine, trying to quell whatever issues I had left there. The first days of 2018, I, the control freaks of control freaks, truly let go. I don’t know what happened. It’s like I learned how to “chill out”. 2018 was indeed my chillest year.
I started this year with a full-time job, that came with full-time job things, that I never bothered to figure out because I was twenty-three, and still on my parents insurance that I continue to milk for all that it’s worth. I started this year in Omaha, and I would have been happy to end it there. I love Omaha, I always will, it’s been my great love. I just wasn’t supposed to be there. When I sent our my applications, and feelers for my future, I gave it up to the universe. The Pepperdine fiasco was because of my need to control, and constant discontent with my current situations. I just thought, if I’m supposed to move back to New York, and go to grad school for writing, then it’ll happen. I can do my part, but there’s nothing I can do to force anything. I could not have predicted where this year took me. In a million years I could not have looked at my life now, and had even a guess as to what would be happening. Serendipity and luck have been my friends this year, and for that I am forever grateful.
I’ve made strides this year trying to figure out how to relax. I cut back on my caffeine consumption, per the recommendation of my therapist, because I would almost always show up cup in hand, hands shaking. Now I’m down to just a few cold brews a day! Progress! I figured out how to live in my body and with my mind this year. I started treating myself better. I’m nicer, I’m prettier, I invested in Glossier, who really is to thank for all of this. I cut all of my hair off. Body autonomy baby!!
I’m not into religion, or telling people to do *mystical* things to make themselves feel better, and I’m not about to do that, so I don’t know why I started this sentence that way, BUT I’M KEEPING IT BABY!! In 2017, something felt off, within myself. I was out of balance, volatile, unhappy. I truly truly for the first time in years am so happy. I don’t know. I’m lucky, I’m so stupid lucky it’s not even funny. I’m just saying, if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Change it if you can. I’m so lucky I could.
2018 could not have happened without my friends, family, URBN (thanks for employing me for 2 years!), my therapist, Glossier, and Whole Foods Breakfast Bar (this was the greatest discovery of 2018). 2018 I have loved you, but I’m hungry for 2019 baby!!!
For your entertainment, here are my top five memories from the last year!
1. I got to meet and work with my comedy idol, but right before that happened, I ran into him and was trying to pass by him very delicately and accidentally body checked him into a bunch of brooms, and then I also fell into said brooms. He wouldn’t look me in the eye! ❤
2. Getting one last summer to teach tennis to little turds, and wipe bird poopy off of the courts, but my coaches are my parents and I love every second I get to spend with them.
3. Matt Timmons! Coming to New York! Eating Banana Pudding in Rock Center! The LOVE of my LIFE (Banana pudding)!!!
4. Going to Fort Tyron with another LOML (TBQH all of my friends are the LOMLs Best Friend isn't a title is a tier!), Greg Smith, and him pointing at the statues and saying wow "Look at those people" and I said "wow they're such good actors", and then we got up close to them and they were STATUES.
5. When Emma Bonebrake ordered Lou Malnati's when all of the true LOML and I were in Chicago together, because what would this year be if everything I did wasn't motivated by food!!!
2018, thank you, I love you, on to the next.