Lohan Year: The Catalyst

I’ve been talking in therapy a lot about what I want this narrative to be. The story that I want to tell people to seem both sympathetic and not totally bonkers nutso. The thing is, I don’t really care what people think. I want to make fart noises on stage for a living, but like in a deep eloquent way. So here’s what happened:

The day that I moved away from New York I ran into Ellie Kemper, A.K.A. THE Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, in the security line at La Guardia. She was with her hubby and tiny baby, and OBVS I didn’t bother her because CELEBRITIES ARE JUST PEOPLE WHO’S DREAMS CAME TRUE. I took this as a sign. Ellie was, likely, going to LA too, and if someone I have looked up to for so long was doing it, then I could do it too. The melancholia for New York quickly faded into excitement for what was to come.

My move to LA was a Catch 22. When I first moved to NY I hated it, BIG SHOCKER. Everyone does because in August everyone is poor and hot and mad at MTA, so I applied to schools in California, because you know, the grass is always greener in a state that is literally on fire. So I went. The minute I got there it all felt wrong. I don’t know how to explain it. When I landed in New York I was unsettled in a way that I was excited of what was to come, but LA was more of a “what have I done”. The moment I stepped onto Gustavus’ campus it felt like home, the same cannot be said for Pepperdine.

I cried everyday for three months, and yes that is as bad as it sounds. My poor mother had to listen to me sob everyday for three months about how much I hated it there. I was so tired. Everything felt wrong. I was the bad puzzle piece, and Pepperdine was a very white-washed puzzle I couldn’t fit within. I, for the first time in my life, didn’t fit in. The Sacred Heart education I was raised within didn’t matter. Being an outspoken, intellectual woman, didn’t matter. I bit my tongue for the first time in my life. I said no to furthering my education for the first time in my life, and that has been one of the most difficult choices I have ever made.

All I’ve ever wanted to be my whole life is a screenwriter. When I was twelve I wrote my first “feature”. I just wanted to write movies and live in LA, and have a small fluffy white dog and a HOT HOT husband. This was my life on paper for the three months, I was in LA, minus the HOT HOT husband, but I was making progress with Zach Woods up until my untimely demise. I realized when I couldn’t be happy living out my dream something deeper must be going on. Even though I was so wildly deeply depressed in LA I knew I had support all around me, and all around the country. Not physically, because a lot of my unhappiness was circumstantial from an ill-fitting institution. It just like my mother and hero Amy Poehler says “Good for you, not for me”. I’m sure Pepperdine is someone’s dream, but it wasn’t mine, and it made it very hard for me to live out my dreams.

Maybe I didn’t give it enough time, maybe I should have finished out the semester. But I didn’t. Maybe I should have just stayed in New York, or never left Omaha in the first place. All of these possibilities have really been haunting me over the last month while I try to start over again in a new city, for the third time this year. It’s hard, and my heart feels really really heavy most days. I so scared I screwed everything up. I might have, but who knows.

All I know now is that I get to see my mom everyday, and that’s the coolest thing ever. I live in a huge apartment by myself AND I CAN AFFORD IT, well barely, whatever it’s not New York and I’m not flushed with cash after moving across the country TWICE IN SIX MONTHS. I feel funny, like really really funny, for the first time in a long time. I am supported by people who believe in my crazy dreams. That is what made all of this worth it. Thank you to those who continue to support me. I am so unbelievably lucky, I could cry right now, but it would be for happy reasons, not sad ones.

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