My Lohan Year

Week 1:

Today I made a picture of Joe Keery looking at rugs the background of my phone. It’s as if he is a little Ben Schwartz, age appropriate for me. Thank you she-god. That was the most important decision I made today, because this is my Lohan Year. You may be asking yourself, what is a Lohan Year?

Lohan Year: (noun) when a young white woman screws something up tremendously, likely dies her hair, and spends the money she would normally spend on drugs on therapy.

I don’t spend any money on drugs, BECAUSE I DO NOT DO IT DRUGS ARE BAD, but I sure as hell have a lot of artisanal candles.

Artisanal Candles: (noun) Drugs for young white women who are scared to do real drugs.

I was a young twenty-something spiraling, just like my childhood hero, Lindsay Lohan, and I needed a time-out. I have never had a time-out in my life, except for the one time I was kicked off my high school tennis team for yelling at my opponent, but I promise she deserved it. But for a chronic over achiever a time-out is exactly what I needed.

I wish my Lohan year is going to be as cool at Lindsey Lohan’s. I hope I start a relationship with Wilmer Valderama, and make Herby Fully Loaded 2: A Need For Speed. Probs not though. I’ll probably spend time with my family and friends who I haven’t seen in years, and take my grandma to her doctors appointments. I’ll probably lose all of my stress weight and get like super model hot. I’ll date a slew of men, and have to turn many of them away at the door. But that’s just what’s guaranteed to happen. Think of all the possibilities! I could make a web series, or write a book, or run for president in 2020 BECAUSE ANYONE CAN DO THAT NOW.

The fact of the matter is, I’m excited to have little decisions for once in my life, and not have to literally count quarters. I’m excited to see my friends and actually hang out with them. They are so cool!! I love them!! I finally have the time to make my dog instagram famous. My Lohan year will be restorative and creative, and I am very thankful to my overworked mother who drove me across the country last week. Maybe I’ll make her instagram famous. Basically, I get a year to do exactly everything I want and I am so GD lucky.

P.S. If anyone wants to collab on some stuff let me know.

P.P.S. If anyone wants to pay be to collab let me know.


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